I Said

I said

You joke

About my body

Being too much to handle

Thighs and hips

Too thick for your hands

Ass and all

Too juicy for your mouth

But boy

It isn't my body

You need to worry about

It's my mind

That's what you can't handle.

- athera -

Everything has a limit

'Don't trust too much

Don't love too much 

Don't hope too much 

Because that 'too much' 

Can hurt so much'

This is one of the most real poems I have ever read. Yes, it is very cliched and the normal person would roll their eyes the minute they read it but it is honestly so true. And I can tell you this from my own experiences. If you really dig deep, you'll actually realise that we have all been in this position. Either you have been the person who has trusted, loved and hoped too much or the person who was trusted, loved and hoped more than you actually deserved. But it's the truth.

For those who know me, you know that for me life has always been about giving. Whether that be loving my family or adoring my friends; the people in my life are my world, my rock and my support. Growing up, I was brought up in a family who always use to give endlessly, never expecting anything in return. My mum always mentioned the idea of karma and she was a stronger believer that what goes around will always come around so I had to do good. And it was all hunky-dory during my childhood but the moment I became an adult; I realised that this attitude was just going to hurt me and backfire.

I did it all. I trusted people too much telling them everything about my life as I thought they deserved to know; I loved too much by giving them my all; I hoped too much expecting years of laughter and happiness with them. But I eventually realised that everyone has their own agenda in life and actually, hardly anyone was ever going to do even half of what I would do for them. The past year of my life, I lost friends, I saw the true colours of some family and it broke me. I didn't know what to do because I was just too invested in them and not as invested in myself.

Being so selfless effectively broke me, it hurt me and I just started lashing out. Life just felt like there was no purpose. The person to blame for this all was me and no-one else. I treated them the way I would expect to be treated and that was my mistake. I was just too dependant on these people because I felt like I needed them and once they left, I just was lost. And really honestly, I just wish someone told me that it was okay to be selfish at times.

Thinking about now, I am weirdly glad. I realised that you can do 99 things for someone and all they'll remember is the one thing you didn't do and that truthfully, in life you are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with so I owed it to myself to be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down. A few months later, I have put myself first and done things not because it would make someone happy but that it would make me happy and honestly, I am really proud of myself.

I will still love those in my life infinitely but I have tried to not do the whole 'too much' thing. Too much of anything is never good for anyone so it's all about finding that limit and keeping it there. I am now much happier and content with life and for me, I am just most appreciative of those who actually decided to stick around. And I will always continuously remind myself that my value will never decrease based on someone's inability to see my worth.

Effectively, there is no harm in trusting, loving and hoping but the point is never do it too much because the only person who it will hurt is you. So lesson learnt, is be you and remember everything in life is acceptable, within limit.

- athera -

My girls

So I thought I'd write something as more of a appreciation post for my girls; my high school besties and my support system. These girls have been there for me through everything, whether that be a bad grade for an exam or a heartbroken me; they have been there. And really, I love them so much. Like it's weird because I have always said, the two relationships you can choose in life are your friends and your partner; but with these girls, it was just meant to be.

We met on the first day of high school where dorky me was trying to be cool and make friends and somehow, I found these girls and thought 'They're brown, I'm brown. Let's be their friend' and that was the best decision I ever made. Now almost 13 years later, my girls are my biggest blessing in life. I am so grateful for everything they do but I know they will always be there and that for me, is why I love them.

I am very different to them, whether that be our career paths, how intellectual we are or even our personalities but they have always accepted me the way I am. We have that banter which is rude, offensive and super sarcastic but it doesn't need to be said that it's just how we are. They are the type of people who would be honest and open about anything I was doing. Whether that would be a guy that I met on Tinder or a top I was wearing; they would tell me what they thought. But they never ever have forced an opinion and have always backed me in every situation.

These girls are more family than friends and honestly, you should be jealous of what we have; I know I would be if I was you. For me, I have lost a lot of people in the last few years and so I appreciate these girls more than I ever have. I know that we will grow older together, be bridesmaids at each others' weddings and have a Mum Club once the kids start coming.

So to my girls, thank you for being my friends and I will always love you. Always and forever.

- athera -

Sex - a simple temptation?

The truth is I've never had sex. And so yes, I am a virgin in her mid-20s. I used to say I am glad that I am and that I'm glad I'm waiting; but as I grow older, that view seems to be changing. We live in a world where sex, to most people doesn't mean anything and is just something you do. But for me growing up, sex was seen as something intimate, passionate and beautiful. More importantly, I saw sex as something I would do with the guy I would spend the rest of my life with. And that is the reason why I am still a virgin.

Don't get me wrong I have been in bed with guys I like, guys I don't know and the guy who still is the love of my life but I've just never been able to do it. It's that one thing that I know that once it's gone, it's gone so I know it has to be worth it. So I've been waiting it out. But the older I get, the more I wonder whether it's worth it. I've dated a few guys in the last few years and every time I mention I'm a virgin, they're all so shocked. Shocked because girls who are saving themselves don't supposedly exist and shocked that I have such strong morals.

But sometimes it's shit. I watch movies, I watch porn and read erotic novels and all I can think is 'Fuck, I need to be fucked'. Your imagination can sometimes go a long long way and my imagination is sometimes so graphic that I wonder if I'm so obsessed with wanting to fuck someone (weird but true). I've always wondered what it would feel like, how I would feel during and after it and more importantly who I would do it with.

My dreams are always filled with this faceless dark-skinned guy with my version of a perfect body: slightly skinny but muscly, a dench back and strong legs; who is all mine. For me in bed, a guy has to be a man. He has to control the situation and overpower me. Since I can remember, I've always wanted a guy who could just push me against the wall, kiss me passionately, pick me up and throw me onto the bed and just dominate me. To put it in simple terms, I want to be fucked so hard that I can't walk the next day. THAT is a man I want.

I know this is all weird and I am such a kinky girl but it just makes being in bed with someone much more fun. Although I have never had sex, foreplay and kinkiness is my forte. I genuinely invest in handcuffs, rope, babydolls etc. just to make it more sexy, hot and fun for the both of us. I've used all kinds of things in bed: food, candle wax, alcohol etc etc but it just is so hot and the guys seem to love it as it is so unexpected.

As you can tell, I really do have conflicted opinions about the whole sex thing but the one thing I know for a fact is that I want it to be worth it. So I suppose until I feel that way; I'm going to just have to use my wild imagination and wait.

- athera -

A Good Girl

A Good Girl ...

looks like a girl;

thinks like a lady;

plays like a boy;

isn't afraid to get dirty;

is respectable in public;

is passionate in private;

treats her body like a temple;

is one man's lover;

loves unconditionally;

speaks in truths;

and has a faithful heart.

But the truth is there is no such thing as a good girl.

- athera -

Strong women

Life changes the way you think, the way you are and the way you function but there are parts of who you are that you should never change.

Obviously it's easier said than done but self-value, self-love and self-respect should never be lost. Being women, it's hard. We still live in a society where women are treated 'lower' than men and are expected to give up their dreams, hopes and goals to stay at home for her partner and kids. Especially being Tamil, that stereotype has been embedded in our parents' lives and sadly may take a few generations to change.

But however, there are some things you should never change about yourself particularly when you're in a relationship. If your guy treats you right and loves you, then this is never an issue. A relationship is about being in an equal partnership. Like think about it, what is the point in going through hundreds of exams, numerous job interviews, thousands of pounds in tuition fees if your life will eventually just be you being a stay-at-home mum? Don't get me wrong, I think the most rewarding job is to be a mother but you don't need to sit an exam for that, have a degree for that etc. So why go through all that hassle for nothing?

One thing I realised from surrounding relationships and my own ones, is to be better, a woman has to think better. So change the way you think, find passion in what you do. And if something or someone doesn't make you happy, don't fight for it because it's not worth it. I was lucky because I was respected and was always persuaded to follow my dreams and do what made me happy. There were no expectations and that is love. Remember, self-love is sexy.

So I thought of 10 things I think strong women should never do in relationships and a little explanation as to why:

1. Never ignore your friendships - Your friends are your biggest support system. The reality is your girls have been there for you through the ups and downs and they get you. Relationships are never easy and your girls will always be there for you. Whether you need to rant, cry or laugh; you NEED your girls so don't ever ignore them for a guy because it is never worth it.

2. Never give up your financial independence - Money comes and goes but you never want to be dependant on your partner. There is one thing saving up for something and enjoying trips together, but remember you are your own person and you don't need a guy to give you his money for you to have fun.

3. Never try to control or change your partner - Remember that you should treat your guy the way you expect to be treated. You fell in love with him for how he is so you should let him be him, and you be you.

4. Never give up your own goals and dreams - I've probably said this so many times in my life but a women should have goals and ambitions and something to look forward to and work towards. Most guys find ambition in a girl a really attractive trait so it's a win-win. The key is you should always aspire and inspire.

5. Never act needy and insecure - Another way of saying this is always be strong and independent. You should always be happy with the way you are and if you're lucky enough to meet a guy who supports you then it's a bonus in life. Being needy and insecure is never good for anyone especially yourself so it's all about self-love and being confident.

6. Never be passive-aggressive - If something is on your mind, talk to your guy. Communication is so important in any kind of relationship. How does someone know what is on your mind if you don't say it? Love is amazing and once you begin to love someone they become your best friend. Your guy should and will accept you for who you are and have the ability to listen to you so talk to them they way want.

7. Never let your partner make all the decisions in the relationships - It's all about equality and so you should both have a say and come to a fair decision when it comes to anything. Whether that be what you choose to wear for a party or which house to buy, you have to compromise. When the guy makes all the decisions, it effectively never ends well. You feel like you're being controlled, begin to feel negative and then that's when relationship begins to deteriorate. So make sure your voice is heard and respect each other's opinions.

8. Never complain about your partner to others - Relationships are meant to be private and intimate and so keep it that way. Telling others just creates confusion. Everyone has opinions and different experiences and so different kinds of advise will just make matters worse. It's okay to speak to someone but just make sure you still make a decision about your partner based on what you want. You fell in love with him and he's your version of perfect so accept everything about him on your own accord.

9. Never expect your partner to meet your needs - Effectively, no expectations means no disappointments but it's okay to want something from your relationship. But the reality that can't be everything. For example, you might want your guy to look or dress a specific way but if that makes him uncomfortable then is it worth making him miserable? Remember, you knew what you signed up to when you fell in love with him so compromise and accept each other.

10. Never give up your own identity - This to me is the final and the most important thing you should never do. To get to a point where we're in a relationship, women go through the good, bad and ugly. You are a strong woman and you are perfect just the way you are. Yes, we're flawed and there's always room for improvement but you are who you are. Whether that be the crazy girl on nights out, the girl who just likes to go on long walks alone or the girl who likes to work out, you are you and you are amazing in your own way. The only person who can change that or even has the right to do so is you and never EVER forget that.

So the message here is always be strong and your guy will love you even more. And remember, be you and be the best version of you - single or taken.

- athera -

Is it bad?

For some reason, love doesn't seem to be my thing. It's like I try, I put myself out there and then when it fucks up, I'm just like 'fuck this, love isn't for me'. I mean I know I'm emotionally damaged but is it bad to want love? I've never fully been loved by someone and it's weird. You kinda begin to think is it me or is it the world? So many people are in love and is it bad to want that too?

More than anything, it's worse when people around you are in love. Don't get me wrong I am so happy for them, like so happy. But is it bad that I get jealous when I see them? Is it bad that I want to be loved and appreciated by a guy? I want to talk to someone for hours on end, go on cute dates, have lots of fights and then have make up sex after. I mean is that bad? 

I've tried different approaches with guys, different types of guys, different types of dates etc. I've tried to be so different that I don't know what I want anymore or who I want. And yeah I know that a guy doesn't define your life but I just want to have someone there for me and only me; to be mine and only mine. 

Every time I get hurt, every time I get jealous and every time I want it.

Is that bad?

- athera -